A couple of weeks ago, I took the boys to a friends house to play with her son and another friend and her daughter. All about 3.5-2.5 in ages. It was wonderful. The kids played, we got to visit. The kids each sort of played alone, or with their parent, but it was still a great outing. We got there about 9 and left around 10:30. I set the timer for 10 minutes and told P that when the timer went off it would be time to get in the car and go back to our house for some lunch. When the timer went off, I told the boys that it was time to get our shoes on and say goodbye and thank you to our friends for having us over. The boys sat by the door to get their shoes on, and coats on. They did such a great job listening that I gave each of them a little treat- a box of dots candy- to eat while getting ready/ in the car. They did great! Both of the boys, sat and waited, they said goodbye and we climbed into the car with any meltdowns. We made it all the way home and even had a fun afternoon playing together with the blocks.
About 3 weeks ago my parents, Joe and I took P to the zoo and had a fabulous time. No arguments, saw lots of animals, understood that the carousel wasn't running and so we couldn't ride it that day. We sat and had a quick lunch before leaving and he walked right out the doors holding hands, ready to go home for the day. It was a wonderful morning.
What is the difference? Why can it be just fine to leave one time and a major catastrophe the next?
Wednesday
tough day!
So I don't normally share our struggles on here, but as a sense of journalling for myself I thought I should get my thoughts on paper. Over the last 2 months P at 2.5 years old is having a very hard time leaving his house or the places we visit. About a month ago, I took the boys to McDonalds with the neighbor and her boys to play in the playroom and have a quick lunch. P had such a hard time leaving that I had to climb up the tubes and down the slide to get him out. Kicking and screaming, fighting to get out of his car seat the whole way home. Once we were about 3 minutes from home, we came to a mutual understanding that he was tired and wanted his blanket and dog and to go night night. Once we figured that out, we continued to repeat what he wanted, which kept him calm. Once inside he was still crying, but went to bed and laid down- only to get up and apologize to me before going off to sleep. At the time I was sure that I had a planned worked out for future outings. We would set a timer, give warnings, remind him of the rules before leaving and once we first got to our destination. And the big one, watch the time so ensure that we had plenty of time to get home before he was too tired, and needed to settle in for nap time.
Today, we took a trip to the zoo. It was super nice today, and thought we would take advantage of it. P was pretty good; although he wasn't sure he wanted to leave the house at first but once there I only had to remind him of the rules a couple of times.- holding hands, listening, stopping when I say stop. I watched the clock closely and told him that we would have time to see a few more animals and then it would be time to go home and snuggle before nap. I again reminded him that after we saw the girrafes and elephants we would need to make our way back to the car. That was the start of his screaming. I carried him, talked to him, reminded him of the rules, talked about the fun things we would do at home. He fought me and hit me the entire way. Once he saw the animal farm he was even more mad, and wanted to see the pigs (the sign has them, however our zoo does not have live pigs). I told him that we could see the cows, but there weren't any pigs at this zoo. He went balistic! yelling, running, and I had to force him into the wagon and proceeded to pull the wagon towards the exit. P was able to get himself half way out of the wagon, so I stopped, and picked him up again. He punched me and screamed in my face.
Anyway- after another embarrassing drag out and fight to get him the carseat in the car. We were again 3 minutes from home when we came to the agreement that he wanted Blanket & Dog & Mama. We repeated this the rest of the way home. You want out? yes, you want blank? yes, You want Dog? yes, You want mama?, yes, you want night night?, yes, you want blank? P will get dog, P will get blank, etc. This seemed to calm him down and as soon we pulled in the garage and I was able to get him out, he hugged me and said sorry. We went in the house and he got his nap things and got ready for nap.
My neighbor, the wonderful mother and friend that she is, assures me that this too shall pass. It is a phase she went through with her oldest son, and understands what I am facing. P has moments when he will pitch a fit at home and usually he will say he is done and what he wants at the end of it. Sometimes it can last 30 minutes, that is the most stressful 30 minutes of my life.
I recently read a book that recommends repeating what they are saying during their tantrum to validate their feelings- he just gets more worked up the few times I have tried that. I feel pretty stupid too, for basically having a tantrum myself and feel as though that may only encourage him to act that. The times I have noticed the repeating his feelings/wants working is when he is a little calmer, and letting him know that I hear what he wants and understand it. That once I am able to I will get him those things. And once we have reached that understanding it usually improves quickly.
Please Lord, let this be a quick phase of our journey. I love my son, and want the best for him. It is challenging to see him act that way, and frustrating when I feel as though I can't control him, or start to lose my patience.
Today, we took a trip to the zoo. It was super nice today, and thought we would take advantage of it. P was pretty good; although he wasn't sure he wanted to leave the house at first but once there I only had to remind him of the rules a couple of times.- holding hands, listening, stopping when I say stop. I watched the clock closely and told him that we would have time to see a few more animals and then it would be time to go home and snuggle before nap. I again reminded him that after we saw the girrafes and elephants we would need to make our way back to the car. That was the start of his screaming. I carried him, talked to him, reminded him of the rules, talked about the fun things we would do at home. He fought me and hit me the entire way. Once he saw the animal farm he was even more mad, and wanted to see the pigs (the sign has them, however our zoo does not have live pigs). I told him that we could see the cows, but there weren't any pigs at this zoo. He went balistic! yelling, running, and I had to force him into the wagon and proceeded to pull the wagon towards the exit. P was able to get himself half way out of the wagon, so I stopped, and picked him up again. He punched me and screamed in my face.
Anyway- after another embarrassing drag out and fight to get him the carseat in the car. We were again 3 minutes from home when we came to the agreement that he wanted Blanket & Dog & Mama. We repeated this the rest of the way home. You want out? yes, you want blank? yes, You want Dog? yes, You want mama?, yes, you want night night?, yes, you want blank? P will get dog, P will get blank, etc. This seemed to calm him down and as soon we pulled in the garage and I was able to get him out, he hugged me and said sorry. We went in the house and he got his nap things and got ready for nap.
My neighbor, the wonderful mother and friend that she is, assures me that this too shall pass. It is a phase she went through with her oldest son, and understands what I am facing. P has moments when he will pitch a fit at home and usually he will say he is done and what he wants at the end of it. Sometimes it can last 30 minutes, that is the most stressful 30 minutes of my life.
I recently read a book that recommends repeating what they are saying during their tantrum to validate their feelings- he just gets more worked up the few times I have tried that. I feel pretty stupid too, for basically having a tantrum myself and feel as though that may only encourage him to act that. The times I have noticed the repeating his feelings/wants working is when he is a little calmer, and letting him know that I hear what he wants and understand it. That once I am able to I will get him those things. And once we have reached that understanding it usually improves quickly.
Please Lord, let this be a quick phase of our journey. I love my son, and want the best for him. It is challenging to see him act that way, and frustrating when I feel as though I can't control him, or start to lose my patience.
Thursday
WARNING: deep emotional topic.
Ok, so I know it's a little morbid of a topic, but over the last week I have been busy getting our information ready to create our will. We have a friend who is an attorney and was able to help us get everything in writing and legal. Now, don't get excited,we don't have anything of value, so it's not really for that purpose, but we wanted to be sure that P would be taken care of in the event of a worst case scenario. If you haven't done a will and need a good lawyer to handle it let me know, ours is great! If you have done this already- lend me some advice.
We thought we had everything figured out and met with our Lawyer who threw us a wrench. An alternate guardian, in case our primary passes before we do. Now, it's not a necessary part to file the will, or finish it, but we would have to change it and pay an additional fee if something were to happen to that primary person. So, how do you choose a guardian? There are a lot, I mean a LOT, of links online to give you information on what information to take into consideration but they all pretty much say the same thing, the same lists. parenting styles, religious beliefs, emotional and physical ability to care for a child, would your child have to move far away, do they have children of their own already? None seem all the difficult to answer and agree or disagree with, but again, it's your child and who could raise them better than you. It's a much easier questions of whom would you NOT want to raise your child- that's easy, a million people come to mind (many from history who are long dead), but you get my point. It's never easy to think about who would you really want to raise your child if you & your spouse weren't able to.
I am a firm believer in that we have people in our lives who are put there for a reason, a purpose. Some stay for a lifetime, some stay until you don't need them anymore, some will be with you forever; even if it's just a memory. I have met many people and have had some of the greatest friends. I think fondly of them, I love them, miss them, had a great time with them, and when we get together we still have fun. But does that mean that's who should raise my child if something were to happen.
Now I know the likely hood of something happening to my husband and I at the same time is super slim, just as I know that it would be even more unlikely that our primary choice wouldn't be able to rise to the occasion. BUT- WHAT IF??? that's what a will is all about right, we pay a huge amount of money in the hopes that we will never need it. But, in the event that we do, we want it to be wrapped up nicely in a bow.
Nothing is that simple- you are asking your child, who just lost their parents- the only life they ever knew- to accept a HUGE change. and everyone else involved too. There will be bumps along the way, there will be heartache, and change, and frustration, and all that goes along with losing a loved one. We can't expect it to be an easy road, even if we are finished traveling it.
I am not afraid of dying, as I know who waits for me in Heaven; My Father- God. I am afraid of what damage I may cause when I go to those around me. I am young and in good health, so is J, but....well you know. So, if any of you are still with me- what are the most important traits you have listed for someone else to fill your shoes? Is it better for them to already have kids- so they have a board to jump off of, or is it better to have them be empty Nester's?- or no kids at all. Will P get a fair shake as the "added child", or will he always feel second rate- even if he's not treated as such. Have any of you had to live with someone else because your parents weren't able to care for you? Temporary or Permanently? How do you think that affected the way you are today? Is it the same as being a foster kid who finally gets adopted into a family with children already? I know I am rambling, and for that all I can say is, it's my journal, so I can.
Good Bye and God Bless
We thought we had everything figured out and met with our Lawyer who threw us a wrench. An alternate guardian, in case our primary passes before we do. Now, it's not a necessary part to file the will, or finish it, but we would have to change it and pay an additional fee if something were to happen to that primary person. So, how do you choose a guardian? There are a lot, I mean a LOT, of links online to give you information on what information to take into consideration but they all pretty much say the same thing, the same lists. parenting styles, religious beliefs, emotional and physical ability to care for a child, would your child have to move far away, do they have children of their own already? None seem all the difficult to answer and agree or disagree with, but again, it's your child and who could raise them better than you. It's a much easier questions of whom would you NOT want to raise your child- that's easy, a million people come to mind (many from history who are long dead), but you get my point. It's never easy to think about who would you really want to raise your child if you & your spouse weren't able to.
I am a firm believer in that we have people in our lives who are put there for a reason, a purpose. Some stay for a lifetime, some stay until you don't need them anymore, some will be with you forever; even if it's just a memory. I have met many people and have had some of the greatest friends. I think fondly of them, I love them, miss them, had a great time with them, and when we get together we still have fun. But does that mean that's who should raise my child if something were to happen.
Now I know the likely hood of something happening to my husband and I at the same time is super slim, just as I know that it would be even more unlikely that our primary choice wouldn't be able to rise to the occasion. BUT- WHAT IF??? that's what a will is all about right, we pay a huge amount of money in the hopes that we will never need it. But, in the event that we do, we want it to be wrapped up nicely in a bow.
Nothing is that simple- you are asking your child, who just lost their parents- the only life they ever knew- to accept a HUGE change. and everyone else involved too. There will be bumps along the way, there will be heartache, and change, and frustration, and all that goes along with losing a loved one. We can't expect it to be an easy road, even if we are finished traveling it.
I am not afraid of dying, as I know who waits for me in Heaven; My Father- God. I am afraid of what damage I may cause when I go to those around me. I am young and in good health, so is J, but....well you know. So, if any of you are still with me- what are the most important traits you have listed for someone else to fill your shoes? Is it better for them to already have kids- so they have a board to jump off of, or is it better to have them be empty Nester's?- or no kids at all. Will P get a fair shake as the "added child", or will he always feel second rate- even if he's not treated as such. Have any of you had to live with someone else because your parents weren't able to care for you? Temporary or Permanently? How do you think that affected the way you are today? Is it the same as being a foster kid who finally gets adopted into a family with children already? I know I am rambling, and for that all I can say is, it's my journal, so I can.
Good Bye and God Bless
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